Grumpy Old Gundam Pilots
by Dark Neko Shinigami
Summary: Uhm.... Yeah. Heh Heh Heh. R rating on the safe side for the language, but hope you enjoy other wise. ^.^v


(I don't own Gundam Wing, but I do give a Heartfelt Werd up to those who have written similar fics like this. They were my inspiration. Thanks guys. :) Oh yeah, I Still don't own Gundam Wing. I don't own Matlock or estrogen either. I really don't own anything. Therefore, I make no money from this fic. ^.^v)  
  
  
Grumpy Old Gundam Pilots.  
  
82 year old Heero Yuy slowly made his way down the ramp of his tidy, yet private nursing home in search for the morning paper. Stooped over without the aid of his walker, he meandered into the yard and began his search.  
  
82 year old Wufei Chang wheeled slowly out of his room. "Injustice!" He bellowed. "I'm an old man! Lemme sleep, Damnit!" Two nurses glanced in the elderly Chinese mans direction before returning to their soap opra. "Damn women. WEAK I say... can't stand weak damn women... always watching their stories.... won't HELP a HELPLESS old man who just wants to sleep.... damnit." Wufei continued to roll past the nurses station, mumbling to himself and cursing occasionally.  
  
82 year old Trowa Barton sat quietly on the bench that faced the garden, feeding the birds.  
  
"Damn paper boy... always throwing the paper in a puddle, I'll show him a puddle. Oh.. that reminds me... damn meds.. always makes me gotta go." Heero turned around and began to make his way towards the ramp. He stopped and stood there for a long moment. "Help! I'm lost." He said, merely feet away from the entrance. "Help I say, Damnit! I gotta GO!"  
  
82 year old Quatre Raberba Winner creeped his way down the hall, his walker making horrid screeching noises on the linolium floor. "Outta my way ya damn invalid!" Wufei grumped as he wheeled past the now silver haired Arabian. Quatre narrowed his eyes and leaned against the wall, wheezing slightly and tossing his walker at the Wufei.  
  
82 year old Duo Maxwell stood over Heero's extremely cluttered bedside table. Humming softly to himself, he tossed his silver braid behind his back and switched Heero's arthritis pills with estrogen. After doing that, he also switched a pill that eased Heero's stomach with a kidney pill. Satisfied that he had done his deed for the day (And also before he forgot what he was doing) Shinigami cackled softly and left the room slowly, walker scraping the same floor as Quatre's.  
  
"Wufei! Stop running me down in the hall! That's really getting annoying!" Quatre gasped as Wufei beat a hasty retreat.   
  
"Help! Help me! Damn paper boy... If I lay a hand on him, I'll break him in half. Tossing the paper... Help I say! I'm lost and I need to GO, Damnit!" Heero shuffled closer to the ramp.  
  
"Hee hee hee... " Duo cackled as he ambled slowly towards the small caffateria. "That'll teach him to.... to...." He stopped midway through the door and scratched his head. "TO... oh yeah! That'll teach him to play with the controls of my hospital bed while I'm still in it!" He cackled again and slowly made his way to the round table that himself and the four other pilots shared. Seating himself with a series of grunts, his brow furrowed. "Now who the hell was I just talking about?"  
  
"Who were you talking about?" Quatre asked, catching his breath as he sat down as well.   
  
"Me?" Duo asked.  
  
"Get your hands OFF me! I'm no Weakling! I can get into the caffeteria without the help of Weak Onna's!" Wufei swung his arms wildly in vain hope that he would strike either of the two nurses that were wheeling him up to the table.  
  
"Dinner AND a show." Duo snickered. Both he and Quatre laughed so hard that they both broke into a coughing fit.  
  
"Ok, boys." One of the nurses said. "Let's be good today. Can we do that?"  
  
"Yeah... if you're talking to a five year old. I'm 82 damnit!" Duo retorted.  
  
Creeping slowly up the ramp, Heero wheezed and coughed. "Damn hip. Damn lumbago. Damn arthritis. Damn... Damn. I'm not lost anymore, but Hoo-boy, do I gotta go."  
  
Trowa slowly folled suit behind Heero, remaining silent.  
  
"Ok boys, breakfast." One of the staff announced as they brought out oatmeal.  
  
Duo took a spoon and stuck it into the oaty mixture. The spoon stood at attention. "Ewww!"  
  
Heero banged the table with his fists. "I could'a gotten LOST out there! Do you KNOW what's out there? Do you? I could'a been killed for all you care! They'll get me I say! And bathrooms! How come we only have seven bathrooms in this place? I say we should have a toliet at every corner."  
  
"Heero... not at the table." Quatre said as he pulled the blanket up over his lap. He had given up his walker in favor for his wheel chair.  
  
"Shut up ya blond bitch!" Heero snapped. "Killed I say! I could'a been captured and tortured out there!"  
  
"Mr. Yuy, there is nothing out there that is going to hurt you. It is just a front yard." One of the nurses stated rather boredly, as this was a conversation that was held every morning about this time.  
  
"I'm NOT a bitch!" Quatre frowned, turning around and helping Trowa to steady his hand so he could get a spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth.  
  
Duo leaned back in his chair and snoozed quietly. As he began to snore, his upper plate slipped and fell.  
  
Trowa leaned over and popped them back into place.  
  
Wufei had escaped and was wheeling down the hall, wreaking havoc on all those weak And female.  
  
  
Later that night.  
  
"Come on, Heero. I dare ya." Duo cackled softly.  
  
"No. Leave me alone. I gotta go." Heero grumped as he rose creakily and made his way to the small bathroom that adjoined his room.  
  
Forty five minutes later, Yuy returned, looking rather perturbed. Duo cackled for a short moment before a look of confusion crossed his features. Heero stood there impatiently. "You were laughing ya damn ijit."  
  
"Oh yeah..." Duo said, then shrugged. "Ow... damn bursitis." He said, rubbing said joint.  
  
Another confused expression crossed the ex-Deathscythe pilots face. Rolling his eyes and wandering ever so slowly past the braided old man, Heero raised his fist and brought it down with a weak thump on Duo's head. "Bursitis... you were bitching about bersitis." He grumped. A large grin surfaced on Shinigami's face. "Oh yeah... damn bursitis.... oooh! My teeth!" Scrambling quickly, Duo exited the tidy room and went in search of his dentures. If he loved anything, it was to scare the living hell out of the new nurses and nothing like placing ones false teeth into an ungarded drink or into the occasional jello mold always got the results he died for.  
  
"I don't need a sponge bath, I can do it myself ya damn onna!" Wufei all but screeched as he was uncermimoniously hauled into his bed. "OUT!" He pointed to the door. "Mr. Chang, please let me do my job, you want me to do my job don't you?" The new nurse asked with just the right amount of honey in her voice. She was wise to duck quickly, as the basin of water chose that exact moment to sail past her head and crash into the wall, landing on the floor with a loud clatter.  
  
"Now, now! I've had QUITE enough of this, Mr. Chang! EEEP!!" The new nurse was wise to choose that exact moment to leave the room quickly, having the good sense to plaster a look of fear on her face as a bedpan sailed in direct route towards her head.  
  
Folding his arms across his chest with a smug look of satisfaction, Wufei leaned back in bed and flipped on Matlock. "Weak. Damn. Damn weak. Weak damn woman. Injustice." He muttered to himself, not exactly noting that he was speaking aloud as he became absorbed into his favorite show.  
  
Cackling softly, Duo shuffled past Wufei's door.   
  
"They're coming to take me away!" Quatre shrieked as two nurses walked inconspicously into his room.  
  
"Now now, Mr. Winner. We're not going to take you anywhere, we're just here to give you your pills."   
  
A loud shriek rebounded behind Duo as he scurried ever so slowly down the hall, clinging to his walker to keep from falling from the laughter that was shaking his slight frame. "MR. MAXWELL!!! Our teeth belong in OUR MOUTHS!! NOT water glasses!"   
  
"Maybe not YOUR teeth, but mine sure have a bad damn habit of showing up where they don't need to be." He cackled as he ducked into his room and locked the door. "Damn this is getting too easy....." A look of confusion crossed his face for the fifth time that day.   
  
"Your teeth, damnit. Your teeth." Heero snapped as he trudged past Shinigami's door.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Came the muffled response, then once again Duo cackled loudly.  
  
"Bakeyaro..." Heero grunted and walked into the T.V. room.  
  
Still later that night.  
  
"Trowa? Can you turn my nightlight on? I'm scared of the dark..." Quatre rasped sweetly.  
  
25 minutes later, the night light was flipped on and Trowa found himself settled comfortably back into his bed.  
  
"Heero?"   
  
"Get to your own room!" Heero took his cane and pointed at the thin frame of Duo as he stood in Yuy's door.  
  
"I don't wanna and you can't make me." Maxwell retorted.  
  
"Hell I can't." Heero grunted, slowly pulling himself out of the bed and creaking his way to Duo. "Run ya damn fool. Run."  
  
"Oh.. yeah!" Shinigami brightened, cackled feebly and turned tail, ambling slowly towards his room with an irate ex-Wing pilot slow on his heels.  
  
Wufei curled up on his side, clutching his blankets and snoring fitfully.  
  
All in all, other than Duo's yelps as Heero bopped him lightly with the cane, it was a rather quiet night.  
  
Save for Wufei's sudden outburst in the middle of nowhere.  
  
And Trowa's small display of hysteria.  
  
And Quatre complaining now that it was too bright in his room.  
  
And the fact that, thanks to Duo slipping him estrogen, Heero discovered he had breasts.   
  
"MAXWELL! OMAE O KORUSU!!!"   
  
"Heh heh heh... huh? Oh yeah! RUN! Hee hee!" Duo cackled, scrambling quickly.  
  
"Damnit... I need to GO!" 


End file.
